Brief outline
A former professional player turned poet and song-writer, Chris Turner still frequents the stands at Southend United. The chants and rants he hears (and utters?) there have been the inspiration for a number of poems, one-liners and riddles/word puzzles, about 40 of which have been collected in this anthology, interspersed with plenty of artistic and pertinent photographs. The poems are quite inventive, making extensive use of the author’s song-writing skills (read them aloud to get the full experience). In 2006, the book caused somewhat of an upheaval, when Turner sponsored a local team by providing kit shirts with the book’s cover printed on it. The authorities were less than pleased: Stambridge United (via Fantasysportnet)
Value for active referees
None whatsoever. I bought the book for the title poem, which is a compilation of the base and less than inventive invectives shouted at referees from the terraces. The poem is represented on the Dutch page of this post, so check it out there. Here I’d like to print the one other poem about a referee, which has a little more sympathy in it (or is it pity?).
“Jeff the Ref”
he’s jeff the ref
half blind half deaf
(headbutted by
the I.C.F.)*
arthritic knees
his ankles seize
contracts the
referees’ disease
of yellow cards
“that’s not ten yards”
a skinhead cut
he thinks he’s hard
like mickey rooney
loony tuney
adolf hitler
meets the moonies
past his best
he passed the test
had more sent off
than all the rest
gone whistle mad
books jack the lad
gets hate mail
from his mum and dad
ignores the flag
“shut it you slaaag”
inspects the pitch
then has a fag
his watch is wrong
his notepad’s gone
“forget about the ball
PLAY ON!”
he’s lost a screw
ain’t got a clue
and coming to
a game……near you!
Copyright Chris Turner
(*The I.C.F. stands for the Intercity firm, a notorious seventies and eighties West Ham supporters group)
Pardon the French. The usage in this anthology reflects the language used on football grounds all over the world, so it may be somewhat colourful.
Overall verdict
A collection of inventive poems and chants reflecting British football culture, where the language may be a bit “unpolished” in places. Apart from two poems about referees (and the title), the book has little to offer the men in black.
Title | The Referee’s a W*nker, Football Rhymes |
Author | Chris Turner |
Publisher | Davids House Press |
Year | 2006 |
Pages | 96 |